Don't ask who I am, cause I don't know who I am.

My day on 12/21/2012

Mon, 24 Dec 2012 19:57:14 -0500

After almost having a heart attack at midnight and listening to sirens going off which didn’t help my anxiety whatsoever, I finally slept. I woke up at 7 to my mom asking me to pee in a cup… I had to take a pregnancy test, which she could do for free at work because she is a lab technician. Anyway, I wasn’t pregnant, thank god, so I slept some more. Woke up again at noon to my period, damn.

I had therapy that day. Dr. Pryor and I talked about how therapy has never worked for me. Therapy has never worked for me because I never talk. It’s not that I don’t want to talk, it’s that no one has ever asked me the right questions to make me talk. Usually I therapist starts with “how is your relationship with your parents?” and “how about your love life, what is that like?” and typical shit like that. Also we talk about the fact that I am sad. These are all questions that gain no insight to how I feel about life. I have never found a reason to live and that has nothing to do with anything I encounter in my every day life. Of course I love my parents and friends, but it goes far beyond that.

Dr. Pryor then said “Okay, let me try this. Why haven’t you killed yourself? Why are you alive? What is the meaning of life?”. Okay, now we are getting somewhere. I can answer questions like that. I broke down in tears, finally someone had pried me open. And guess what? Time was up. Time to leave.

I know exactly what makes me sad and what makes me anxious, but no one has ever made me want to talk about it. It didn’t feel like the end of the world, more like a new beginning. And in that moment the sun came through the window, and it was life i’ve never seen the sun before. It is a new beginning, a new beginning where I am getting better and I will succeed in life. I am getting better.

I know nothing about mania haha, that just happens.

I see I have 3 followers...

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 01:54:03 -0500

I didn’t know people actually read this shit….

My current life situation.

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 23:46:45 -0500

Is fucked. I am bipolar. I am bipolar, and I don’t know how to react. To be honest, I have felt it in my bones since the day I was cognisant of the world. Life fucking sucks. I got home and my parents left me alone. Life fucking sucks. My anxiety is coming back. I left school. I care about him so much. And now i’m six hours away from him. And here I am, all alone in my fucked up head.

Taking Medication: Anti-depressants

Fri, 04 May 2012 22:24:00 -0400

So i’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I hate taking anti-depressants, and then I realized that I don’t know why I hate it. I realized I hate it because I am taking something that is synthetic and not natural for my body, yet at the same time I love the way they make you feel, but I hate the way they make me feel. Make any sense? No, I know, I don’t understand it either.

So, now i’ll talk about how Prozac makes me feel. When I first started taking Prozac, I slept. I slept so much that I almost failed my junior year of high school from missing so much school because I was “sick”. Well I guess i’ll tell you that soon after starting Prozac, I also started taking Wellbutrin, very soon, like a week. So my symptoms blended together and I cannot separate them, except for the sleep part, because I know Wellbutrin keeps you up. I’ll get back to how that turned out. Also I would like to point out that I cannot tell the difference between drug symptoms and depression symptoms, so this is just my story of what I went through. I stopped talking so much. We would always eat together in the band room during lunch time, me and some other classmates of mine. But I started just going to the band room and just sitting, alone, not speaking to anyone even though they were right across the room. I shook, a lot. My doctor who prescribed my medications would tell me to sit still, and I just couldn’t. Sitting down in class was the hardest thing ever because not only did I want to be up walking around, but I would shake while sitting, mostly bouncing my legs up and down but involuntarily, not like just the nervous habit of bouncing a leg while sitting which is common, and something I used to do anyway, but this was different, my muscles were literally twitching constantly. My fingers always were twitching and I had shaky hands. Also, I would rock my body sometimes when I was sitting. Laying down I felt as if I could feel every part of my body. Ever body tissue, every muscle, every organ, everything. It kept me up at night. I couldn’t sleep yet I slept all the time. I felt as if I couldn’t sleep for a long time, sometimes until 3 or 4 am. But once I did fall asleep, it was as if I was in a coma. I would sleep in one position, like a rock, which is weird for me because I’ve always been a deep sleeper, but one who tosses and turns all night long, like a lot, like falling off my bed or waking up the opposite way. But now I was just going to sleep and staying that way for 11 hours or so. I also began to have the craziest dreams. They weren’t like my depressive dreams that I had before medication, that’s another story, but just a lot of nonsensical things would happen and they were very detailed, extremely detailed. Things such as driving to Hawaii, and four year old Eskimo girl standing on the water miles off shore, and opening the sidewalk to go to a place called “The Bathehaus”. The worst part is, I never realized that they were dreams until months later, I just went along with my day trying to figure out why I had these weird images in my head. Because the way I felt, I felt as if I had been sleeping without dreams, which I know didn’t happen, but I couldn’t connect that these weird images in my head were from dreams. Some of these dreams involved me, but some not at all, like I was watching a movie, that’s exactly how they appeared to me. I would just be sitting at school trying to concentrate when all of a sudden I would just close my eyes for a second and I saw images from the previous nights dream and it would really freak me out. This lasted for a couple weeks, with a few more scattered through out the next couple months. As for my hours of being awake through out the day, my mood would be blank really. I felt as if I couldn’t feel anything, not physically, but emotion wise. Like I was robbed of all emotion, happiness, sadness, anger, everything. I fell like that’s the only thing the medication really did for me, because I still experienced many many symptoms for my mental illnesses. I was still extremely delusional all the time, and I continued to see things. I continued to have suicidal thoughts. My mind was blank, but at the same time, everything was happening in my mind. I also stopped eating, to the point that I was 115 lbs. Partly was anorexic thoughts, but mostly because I could not feel hunger. I still experience that now, not feeling the difference between hunger and being full. But today I am at a healthy weight of 135 lbs. I have to remember to eat every day because if not, I will go days with maybe just eating an orange and that’s it. I try to make sure that I at least get one full meal in every day and snack through out the day, even though I don’t want to eat.

So, those are probably my biggest reasons for hating the medication. I know that my mental disorders are results of off-balanced chemicals in my brain, but that doesn’t get rid of the delusional belief that I have to take these pills every day because i’m “crazy”.

From psychology:

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 03:39:47 -0400

As soon as I read the prompt for this journal entry, one incident in particular came straight to me. It happened to me this summer while I was on tour with a drum and bugle corps. I remember it very vividly and I will most likely never forget it.
           I remember it was after I was done performing a show, at about six o’clock at night, in Louisiana. Recently before that I had started to try meditation, in order to help with my anxiety and depression. It soon became my favorite thing to do after I was done performing for the night. Currently, I am a music major here at Boise State University, and I am interested in maybe going into the field of music therapy because the was music can affect your mind and body is amazing to me. So because of this, I like to meditate to different music genres and figure out how they make you feel.
           So back to my experience, it was in Louisiana, and of course I picked a song to try. The song in question was called “I will possess your heart” by the Seattle indie rock band Death Cab for Cutie, and what I discovered in this song was mind blowing. In this song there is an instrumental intro that is about five minutes long, where as the music progresses and the more you concentrate on your meditation, you can achieve great things. The feelings I achieved were phenomenal. As I closed my eyes and began to slow my breathing and heart rate, the music continued to progress as did my concentration. By the end of the intro I was in such a trance, I was completely unaware that I was just sitting in the middle of some parking lot in Louisiana. I started to lose feeling in my body and began to feel like I was floating. As I floated higher and higher, I could feel my body arching with every breath I took. I felt like I was flying, even though I knew that I was still sitting of the ground, I just could not feel my body. I also could not open my eyes, I thought about it but something was stopping me. I also know that if I had opened my eyes I probably would not have had the same experience. Oh and I forgot to mention that when I was in the process of getting into that state, so for about the first two minutes of the song, my body was swaying ever so slightly front and back which I had no control over.
           At about the five minute mark of the song, the vocals finally come in, and as soon as the happened, it was like I just fell back to Earth, I felt so good and relaxed. Now I’m not one that really believes in an “out of body experience” and I don’t believe that that is what happened to me, but those feelings were just absolutely amazing, and I have not been able to re-create them yet. I think it took immense amounts of concentration, and the despair of being away from home for so long, just a genuine desire to get away and have some time to myself.

To the class of 2012, we salute you!: A speech to a class of music composition graduates.

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 03:34:43 -0400

There is a special connection through all things we consider to be “art.” Have you ever thought of the similarities between literature and music? Writers are told all the time “this isn’t literature! This is crap!” and they are forced back to the drawing board to “fix” their writing, even though nothing is wrong. It was their art. Well I regret to tell you that this will be your life too. Movie directors, universities, the dilatants will all be at your heels like a tiny dog waiting to attack and crush your self-esteem because you did not write “music.” Well you know what? This is 2012 and the times are changing. Music is changing. The universe is changing! I encourage all of you to be creative! Like any famous writer, you have to put it all out there on the line and pray for at least one person to appreciate your work. The more creative, the more you are acting as any professional artist, of any field. If we did not have this bizarre creativity and new ideas, we would be stuck in the doldrums of the dark ages with nothing to look forward to except for farming to live. I encourage all of you to go forth and write music! If you have trouble deciding whether or not you wrote something good, think of this: “someone has to write literature before it can be classified as such.” The creative writer conducts mostly inner research while the essayist conducts outer research. You are the creative writer! So do some inner research and find the music in you. If you are worried about breaking rules of music, you can learn best by breaking those rules, just as writers do. But I say just break the rules. You will encounter many turndowns, shutdowns, and critics, but like all writing, sculpting, painting, plays, landscaping, circus acts, art, anything you can name, music is in the eye of the beholder.

Soliloquy:

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 03:32:57 -0400

I came across such an odd discussion today, when I was on my way to lunch. It was between a boy and a teacher. I heard only little snippets of coherent speech of “it is literature!” and “it’s not literature!” the rest were just an inseparable collision of shouting. And then it struck me… What is literature? Who makes that decision on what constitutes literature as literature? Unexpectedly, as soon as I passed this conflict in the hallway, Sarah walked up and handed me a packet of paper. She said “read this; tell me what you think.” It was titled “When All Writing Is Creative and Student Writing Is Literature” by Wendy Bishop. Ah! I couldn’t have asked for a better coincidence. I pulled out my handy dandy laptop to look up the definition of literature, and what I found there was that literature is written works, and books and writings that have been published on a particular subject. So where does that leave me now? I’ve got two definitions, one telling me that anything written is literature; the other saying it’s a published work, and a bunch of arguing students and teachers. According to Miss Summer from the article, by the informal definition, everything would be literature, all writing I mean. This would include graffiti, advertisements, and probably my cereal box. But when we narrow down the definition, she says that if it’s received in a legal form, then its literature. I disagree. I do not think the business signs and the menu at a restaurant are literature, but I do believe that literature does not have to be published. Can a student write literature? Of course! Where do you think Kerouac and the gang started? They didn’t just decide one day “hey, I think I’ll write literature.” No! They started long ago, while they were students to create what we know today as literature, and as for my view and definition of literature? Open to interpretation.

Making excuses;

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 03:29:00 -0400

Also, I realized I make a lot of excuses, way too many. One time when we were working out, Alan said okay I think i’m going to run 6 laps, which was half a mile, and I said “I’ll run it with you!” but I had already run a mile but I thought “If Alan can do this, I can do this!” so we start running and by the 3rd lap I was so tired and thinking to myself,”well I already did run a mile… so I could stop, cause that’s why i’m tired” and that’s when I realized that “no, that’s making an excuse, if Alan can do this, then I can do this!!” And I finished and kept up with him. I make so many excuses of why I can’t do something, but really I should decide that I CAN do something.

An almost Erasure of Gaga.

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 02:59:08 -0400

Don’t look at me like that,

You amaze me.

He ate my heart,

He ate my heart out.

Look at him,

Look at me.

That boy is bad.

He’s a wolf, in disguise,

And I couldn’t stop staring in those evil eyes.

That boy is a monster.

He licked his lips,

Said to me, “girl you look good”

He put his arms around me.

That boy is a monster.

He ate my heart,

Instead he’s a monster in my bed.

I want to just dance,

But he took me home instead,

Oh no, he’s the monster in my bed.

We kissed,

He tore my clothes right off,

He ate my heart, and then he ate my brain.

That boy is a monster.

The Ghost Who Wanted a Bath.

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 02:49:29 -0400

Once upon a time there was a mouse wo lived in my house. Every night when my mother would make me take my bath, the little mouse would scurry up out of the hole in the wall and carefully scuttle along the edge of my bathtub. “What is your name Mr. Mouse? And what do you want?” I said. “My name is Lars my ood sir, and I would just like a bath?” he replied chipperly. “My mother said I can not let a mouse into my bath, I am truely very sorry.” “But sir, this is the only way I can!” I am sorry Mr. Lars.

One day Lars dissappeared and I didn’t see him for a couple of days. Then one day I heard the little scuttle of little mice feet. It was Lars! Yet he was not the same. “What happened Mr. Lars?” “‘Twas a cat, sir, a cat. Now may I please have a bath?”

The End.

Bar scene:

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 02:40:00 -0400

It was the week before finals and I was so burnt out. I needed some time off. So I called Lacy. Later that night we made our way to downtown fro some fun. Bar hopping through main street, China Blue, and the Basque district, we finally settled down at the Old Town Bistro. While sitting at the bar these guys tried to wow us with talk about football. Needless to say, they did not get our numbers. Back to studying.

The Erasure of Two Cities

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 02:30:00 -0400

The best time was the worst time. It was the age of wisdom; the age of foolishness. The belief was the epoch of incredulity. It was the light, the season of darkness. The spring of hope was the winter we had before us. We had nothing before us. Direct the other way was so far like the present period, that it insisted on being received, for good, for evil, in the degree of comparison.

My epiphany.

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 01:46:00 -0400

So, I realized just now that a lot of things in life really are a choice, and happiness comes from your choices. I had a conversation with MK last year and we were talking about the stages of mentality you go through through years of drum corps. He said “When you’re a rookie, ignorance is bliss, and you have no idea what the hell you got yourself into, or what is going on half the time. When you are a one year vet, for whatever reason, you think you’re god’s gift to earth and think you know everything about drum corps. When you’re a two year vet, you start to take a step back and realize you really don’t have drum corps figured out and the will ALWAYS be room for improvement. So you sit back and watch all of this happen, while trying to figure out how to just be a better person.” And that’s as far as we got because that was where I was at the time. But now, as a three year vet, I think I’m finally starting to really understand the concepts that I’ve been hearing for so long. Like how it’s a choice to be great and that we have to make the decision. I always hear people in the corps talk about how “it’s this sections fault” or “it’s that sections fault” but really they should just worry about themselves, and making the effort to better themselves, rather than blame other sections. I was talking today to Tasha about Patrick coming back and I was like “What if he takes me off marimba??” and Tasha said “he won’t just practice” and that’s when it hit me! I thought to myself “Then don’t give him a reason to take you off marimba, make the decision to get better, come to camp prepared, and perform your ass off” Today I decided to do my homework and it felt great. I’ve decided, two weeks ago to start working out, and it feels great! I’ve already lost 3 pounds! I’ve decided to eat healthier. I saw him taking another freshman girl back to his apartment and I thought “I could be upset sad or bitter, but I’ve decided to not care about that anymore” Happiness really does come from yourself and your decisions.

Jealousy is my biggest sin in life.

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 02:29:10 -0400

I can’t help it. I know she went over there. I know they had sex. Why else would he be in concert class for only the first two people, to see her! I can’t handle this!

It hits like a softball

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 01:43:50 -0400

Recently, percussion instruments have become my favorite instruments to play. My main instrument is trombone and I have been playing since I was in the sixth grade. As a wind player though, we do not always receive training right away about rhythm as a young percussionist does. I wish I could change that.

When I was beginning to learn percussion, I had an average understanding or rhythm, tempo, and playing in time. I did not understand that I was just average until I started to learn percussion. It is a hard concept to grasp, and it takes a lot of practice. Everybody thinks they understand what it means to play in time, but it is really just an average and basic understanding. Learning to play percussion has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

This past summer was my third season of drum and bugle corps. I was in the front ensemble this season, due to injury from previous summers of drum corps, so I was able to be around percussion all day long for about two months straight. We practiced for about twelve hours a day. It was such an intense feeling to hear solely percussion music for about three quarters of that time.

One of the best feelings I have discovered in the world, is to play exactly in time with a metronome, whether it is hemiolas, straight sixteenth notes, or just basic quarter notes. Being able to feel an unchanging pulse that is never wrong, and to play exactly in time with it, is an unexplainable feeling that I think is a mystery to the human mind and body. The other day in Ear Training 1, Dr. Molumby made a statement while we were talking about rhythm. She said something about rhythm “hitting her like a softball” and I could not agree more. It is so easy to tell when something is out of time, whether the tempo difference is ten beats per minute or barely a millisecond off. The way rhythm makes your body feel is phenomenal.

One of my favorite things to do in my free time is just to drum to music. Sometimes I work of sixteenth note placement or just straight notes, or I work on rolls.

The day I figured out what it means to play in time was so amazing and I will never forget that feeling. During one of our rehearsals, the entire front ensemble finally played in time and the sound of the metronome disappeared even though we knew it was still there. That right there is how you know you are playing exactly in time. Once the metronome disappears, you know that you have become one with the beat.

One of the most inspiring people in my life is A.J. Pace. He was our percussion caption head at the Cascades Drum and Bugle Corps. The way that man understands rhythm and drumming is phenomenal, and not only that, but he knows exactly what to say to make you understand. This summer out the point of drum corps and how we are scored, and the philosophy was mind blowing. It is not about putting on a show for entertainment, although that is a nice side effect, but the real goal is to see how many people you can get to do the same exact thing at the same exact time.

For some reason I have yet to discover, playing percussion is much more emotionally resonant with me than when I play brass. While at my appointment with the writing center, we talked also about my love for marching. After deep thought, I gained some insight as to why I love percussion. In marching, you use your whole body to “create music” or the entertainment at hand, in percussion it is also possible to use your whole body, and I love it! For some reason, percussion speaks to me more than brass.

Learning percussion has been the best thing that has ever happened to me musically. It is something that I never want to give up and I hope I never have to. I want to always be one with the beat.

It is not until the depths of insanity that we find truth.

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 01:33:32 -0400

True story.

Truth, Actuality, and Reality.

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 01:32:08 -0400

One of the many definitions of truth is actuality or actual existence. But what is truth really? In order for a truth to be, first it must exist. In realities definition, it can be anything that resembles something real. So, we can make reality whatever we want it to be. Whether it be our day-to-day lives, or a place we created in our heads, reality is ours. In order for a truth to exist, it must be real. Reality is made up of images in our minds. Therefore, whatever we perceive is real. Truth is about perception, and perception is the key to understanding.

What is Crazy?

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 01:29:52 -0400

Have you ever thought about what is the meaning or crazy? Of Insanity? Madness? Maybe crazy is when someone is 100% sure of themselves. Like when you see someone, and they think there is someone next to them, but you can clearly see that there isn’t, and you have multiple people confirm that there is no one there, that is what I think is crazy. People who are so close-minded that there is no way they would consider anything else. And I mean someone who see’s people isn’t necessarily ”crazy” perse, it’s when there is not a slightest chance of ability to change. This could be anyone. A politician, a world leader, or ever the cheer captain; anyone.

I am not crazy.

Kiss of Silver

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 01:24:26 -0400

I don’t know how to tell you this

But to me it is pure bliss

How it’s so cold

So sleek and bold

I’m just begging for a kiss.

Untitiled

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 01:21:59 -0400

I wake up to the sound of birds

The beauty of the world surrounds me

Can today be a good day?

Not with a withered mind,

So sick, so sick

Not a day slips by

Malicious meditations consume my world

A sin against my youth

But my deductions can only be true,

I am worthless

Maybe once I’ll be happy.

Twice? Three times?

Inconceivable attainments

I own for eternity.

I will never be good enough.